Locklear Gets DUI Despite No Illegal Drugs, Booze: WTF

Poor Heather Locklear--she's only been out of the treatment center since July, where she was seen for anxiety and depression, and now she's been officially charged with a DUI.  TMZ reports:

Heather Locklear has just been charged with one count of driving under the influence of drugs....prescription medications.

No alcohol and no illegal narcotics were found in Heather's system.

Santa Barbara County Deputy District Attorney Lee Carter tells us they believe the prescription medications found in her system "could have impaired her ability to safely drive a motor vehicle."

Locklear was busted September 27.

Come on--according to E Online, the frightened looking star was driving in a freaking parking lot, back and forth over a pair of sunglasses.  Who hasn't wanted to do the same thing?  Surely, she was picturing Denise Richards as the sunglasses, and no one can blame her for that.  Have you seen "It's Complicated"!?  Meanwhile, Nicole Richie gets busted for driving the wrong way on a highway, and Lindsay Lohan's taking hostages and driving around with her hair on fire, most likely on her tenth eight ball of the day.  And they all got DUI's?

Isn't there such a thing as DUI Light?  I'm jussayin'.

Madonna Makes Michael Jackson Look "Normal"

Madonna revealed her crazy hand in a recent list of demands she sent along with her sons, Rocco and David, who are visiting father Guy Ritchie in London. 

According to the Daily Mail, the recently trannylicious Madonna, who is in the midst of her "Sticky and Sweet" tour, sent along these bizarre instructions.  As unlikable as she comes across after reading this, one can only hope that they went straight from the airport to Chuck E Cheese's where they took a long swim in those E Coli balls.  From there, they picked up a porn, bought clothes from immigrant children, drank from the toilet, watched Daddy shag his new girlfriend, and ended the evening by burning Madonna's books. 

And that, my friends, is what we call "sticky and sweet."

Amy Winehouse Attacks & Binges : In Other Words, Thursday

Amy Winehouse's husband, Blake Fielder Civil, was released from prison yesterday after nearly a year in prison for witness tampering (He went straight to rehab.), and Amy "celebrated" as only Amy can.  She threw her best table cloth on her head, seemingly malled her own impetigo-stricken face, ingested God knows what, and ended the night suckling from another man's knuckle.  Good times!

The London Daily Mail has the sordid events:

Winehouse, who left hospital on Monday after receiving ongoing treatment for a 'chest infection', looked far from jubilant as she emerged from the residence at 4pm this afternoon with make-up smeared across her face.

She appeared to be in an agitated state, lunging at a photographer stationed outside her home shouting: 'Who's first? Who wants some?'.

She refused to comment on her husband's release.

After attending a drugs and alcohol clinic Winehouse was pictured clutching a prescription and falling into a cab as she returned home, her face streaked with dirt and tears.

A couple of hours later her father Mitch turned up at her flat and not long after a pizza delivery arrived.

After they had eaten no-nonsense Mitch shepherded his subdued daughter to his cab.

The singer appeared to have showered and to have changed her clothes after her father's arrival.

However, she was back to her erratic ways later in the evening, sucking on a male friend's knuckle before later passing out in the back of a cab.

Ahhhhh to be one of the millions of flies on Amy Winehouse's walls.

Jennifer Aniston: And That Is What We Call Closure

Jennifer Aniston has begun to implement Project-Keep-A-Man and apparently her first move is one of the oldest tricks in the book...workin' the green eyed monster.  Sorry, Jen, but the whole thing just feels a little staged and, well, a lot desperate.  OK! Magazine reports:

John Mayer had the upper hand when he publicly dumped Jennifer Aniston in August, but two months later the actress has him right where she wants him. On Oct. 22, Jen joined handsome actor Gerard Butler for a late supper at one of her favorite haunts, The Tower Bar in West Hollywood.

“Gerard was laughing loudly towards the end of the meal,” a fellow diner tells OK!, “while Jen was laughing uncontrollably!”

The Friends star is playing hardball with John, who is begging her for a second chance. “Jen now has laid down some hard and fast rules for John, if he ever wants things to work out between them,” a pal of Jen tells OK!.

And John, so far, appears to be following them, temporarily giving up his bachelor pad in Pacific Palisades, Calif., for a room at the Beverly Hills Hotel – one of Jen’s frequent hangouts. “He’s created a little nest where she can feel comfortable,” a source tells OK!.

“Jen’s been seeing John, but she let him know other men still find her attractive,” a gal pal of Jen says. And the actress, who has a habit of falling for her co-stars, may have already found a new leading man.

Every article regarding Jennifer Aniston should just end with...until she fucks it up.  Sorry Jen!

Lock Stock & Two Smoking...Insults?

The Guy Ritchie/Madonna divorce has gone from civil to a bit slimy to dirty doo-doo slinging in a matter of days.  Us Magazine is reporting that the two have been hurling truths...er...insults at one another for years, and some of the fights have even gotten physical. 

"She would taunt Guy, saying, 'I should have married someone like me: strong, hot-blooded, intelligent, ambitious, spiritual,'" reveals a Ritchie source. "Their fights would often get heated. A few times Madonna slapped him or poked him."

With a normal woman this might even be funny, but Madonna's guns have been used in covert terrorist torture plots.

His reaction? "Guy called her old, fat, ugly and wrinkled and said that she was stupid and couldn't sing," another Madonna pal tells Us.

Meanwhile, a source tells Us Ritchie has already entered a relationship with British actress Kelly Reilly, who is starring in his upcoming drama Sherlock Holmes.

And just when you think, "Man, that guy's gotta pair of balls, shagging another young lady already," Us goes and reports another story about him bawling his eyes out after seeing his son sport a Yankees t-shirt.  You directed Snatch!  For God's sake, man, get yourself together!

Mary-Kate Wants to be The Zany Aunt

Star Magazine is reporting that one half of the Olsen twins plans on procreating.  Honey, I shrunk the...oh wait, that's their actual size!  As you can imagine, the seemingly more normal Ashley is the one who wants kids, while M-K prefers the single life:

Mary-Kate, who has been dating NYC artist Nate Lowman for a year, says it's not for her. "I don't feel the need to get married," the freewheeling Olsen explains. "But Ashley wants children. I'll be a great aunt or godmother."

Oh yeah, nothing says role model like a bulimic, no-talent recluse with a drug problem...allegedly.

Tara Reid's Abs Gone Wrong

The Superficial has taken it upon themselves to post numerous photos of Tara Reid in a bikini the past few days and, while I'll be the first to admit she's not looking half bad, those abs are still downright frightening!  It's hard to look away because, deep down, I feel as though her stomach is trying to send me a message or hypnotize me!

Reminds me a bit of Edvard Munch's famous piece, The Scream!

Guy Ritchie to Madonna: Thanks For Mutton!

So much for the high road.  Madonna and Guy Ritchie have officially taken it to the nanny-nanny-boo-boo stage of divorce, with Madonna starting it by implying he is "emotionally retarded" during one of her recent concerts.  Now, Guy Ritchie is saying that Madonna's psychotic exercise regimen not only kept her from home for long periods of time, it has morphed her into a slab of beef...and the tough kind that gets stuck in your teeth at that.  The Daily Mail reports:

Her insistence on sticking to a gruelling four-hour exercise routine has been blamed for destroying the pair's seven-and-a-half year marriage.

The strict regime reportedly meant the couple went for 18 months without making love.

When they did find time to make love, it was like 'cuddling up to a piece of gristle', Ritchie is said to have told friends.

Madonna's exercise regime reportedly meant her and husband Guy Ritchie went for 18 months without making love

A close friend told the News of the World: 'When the cracks began to show in their marriage, Madonna wouldn't budge.

'Guy was pleading with her to spend more time with him but she wouldn't have it. She'd insist she did her four-hour workout and that would be half the day gone.'

'They've been apart so much in the last two years the times when they could have made love have been pretty limited.

Well, there's that and the fact that the last time they did do it, Madonna probably used Guy for some extra arm curls.

Tea Leoni & Billy Bob Thornton: WTF!?

The big story of the day seems to be the Tea Leoni/David Duchovny divorce, as most are probably scratching their heads about why the guy went to sex addiction rehab when they're claiming that they've been separated for months.  But what most media outlets aren't reporting is that it wasn't only David who strayed, but Tea was allegedly also in bed with Billy Bob Thornton.  Hmmm mmmm.  The two met while filming the sure-hit Manure.

The UK Telegraph has the story:

David Duchovny and his wife Téa Leoni have split up after the actor allegedly discovered explicit text messages on her mobile phone sent by Billy Bob Thornton.

What kind of voo doo does this guy practice to get the likes of Angelina Jolie and Tea Leoni?  I mean, I know the guy's a major thespian with his recent cinematic genius in Bad News Bears and Mr. Woodcock, but c'mon.

Britney's Pits Go British

Sure, sure, everyone else is writing about the big Madonna and Guy Ritchie divorce story but, dangit, I just feel like posting photos of people who aren't quite right...case in point: BRITNEY SPEARS.  Just when you think she's getting her shiz back in order, BAM, she goes and flaunts her hairy pits. 

Hey, ya know what, this story is kinda almost like the Madonna story because Madonna and Britney both pretend to have British accents, and British women love underarm hair...oh, and Britney and Madonna kissed once.  See...it's like six degrees of skanky, unsanitary separation.

Speidi Strikes Again

Reason number 1,000,000,000,000,055 that Speidi should suffer any one of the following fates:

Diced into chum to be used during Shark Week

Hurled to the moon with a note saying "No Take-Backs"

Forced to watch "The Hills" in perpetuity

Wrapped in bacon and thrown into the bear den at the zoo

Bodies donated to science; used for research on douchebags

Force fed pop rocks and cases of Coke to dispel urban legend...or not

I could go on for days...

Somewhere "The Hills" Is Missing Its Idiot

Say it ain't so...LC is apparently ready to cut the fake-angst-ridden apron strings and move on from "The Hills".  Us Magazine has the story:

"It's coming to a point where I love this show so much, but I'm ready to kind of walk away," Conrad tells Extra. "I've been doing it for five years now. Five years on TV is a really, really long time."

Conrad - who has denied recent rumors that she had a fling with Audrina Patridge's on-and-off beau Justin Bobby - says trying to have a relationship in the public eye has been tough.

"It's more difficult when not only everyone knows about your problems, but they make them worse because things escalate and things get twisted," she says. "It's hard to have an actual friendship be torn apart in the media."

So how should she go out?  Fiery car crash?  A nuclear incident?  Plastic surgery gone awry?  What's that? This show is real?  Oh, okay.  Death by curling iron then?

Forget Like A Virgin; Madonna's Like a Bitch

Hold on to your cone boobs--it turns out that Madge/Madonna/Material Girl is not actually a nice person.  Fake surprise!  Page Six has the low-down on her diva-like behavior:

MADONNA is a demanding diva even to her peers. The Swedish pop star Robyn was psyched when the Material Mom invited her to open for a handful of her European concerts but quickly found out there are rules. Robyn told her hometown Swedish paper that she and her crew were told "not to approach Madonna, not to speak to Madonna and, above all, no pictures . . . I hadn't expected any glamour, but it's strange that they assume that the first thing you're gonna do is run after Madonna and ask for an autograph. My worst nightmare would be to turn into Madonna . . ."

Apparently those roids are making her a little grumpy.  On the bright side, they'll help to shrink her giant penis.

Audrina To World: You're Just Jealous!

I thought I'd hit my Audrina Patridge quota yesterday, but this laugh-out-loud story was just too good.  Audrina told Fox News that she's not just another "painted face" in Hollywood.  It's a good thing she didn't say "pretty face," or I would have had to call her something mean, like Horse Teeth or Ann Coulter's brunette doppelganger.  So close, Audrina, so close.  Here is what The Hills star (ha ha!) had to say about being picked on because she had guy friends:

"Girls didn't like it, so they would call me names and spread terrible rumors," she says. "You just have to hold your chin up and take it as a compliment that certain people dedicate that much time and effort to talk about you. I don't think I'll ever stop experiencing that. I have just gotten better at understanding and dealing with it."

"I was committed to doing well. I took a few semesters of college with child psychology in mind, but eventually dropped out and moved to L.A. to pursue my dreams to model and act.

She says "people are always surprised" that she is on a hit reality show "because I was on the shy side when I was younger.

"People assume they know me from what they see in the media and on television: that I am just full of blank stares and another painted face in Hollywood, riding that 15 minutes of fame on a reality show," she says. "It's hard to be judged when the public is only seeing a teeny tiny bit of what I am all about. I love music, my family and my friends with everything I have, and I am very dedicated to my dreams."

What the hell is she doing talking to Fox News anyway?  You just know O'Reilly would love to get those...I mean her...on The Factor.

Over The Hills...

The Hills are alive...with the sound of B.S.!  Apparently, the two people who still watch the show have been debating whether Lauren Conrad actually hooked up with Audrina Patridge's ex, Justin Bobby, as has been speculated in the media.  It turns out that Audrina's suspicions were a whole bunch of hooey, as it was Audrina who started the rumor in the first place.  Oh, the horror!  The Superficial has the scoop via Us Weekly:

A source close to The Hills says, "Audrina herself spread the rumors to get more attention. Audrina is the one who gets the least attention. She was so jealous, she concocted this on her own."

Couldn't she have just gone and gotten herself herpes or something?  Oh wait...

What's even funnier is that MTV saw fit to give the most boring person to ever grace the small screen, Whitney Port, her own TV show!  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz!  Us Magazine reports:

"Surrounded by all new friends, pursuing a fresh love life and starting to work in the upper echelon of the fashion industry is a lot to navigate for a new girl in the big city... especially one who has everything to lose," the release reads. "In a city full of people with their own agendas, Whitney will have to quickly decide who she can trust and who to stay away from."

Too afraid to take Ambien?  This is the perfect solution!

Brooke Hogan Realizes Nobody Wants To See That

First, the Britney Spears/Adnan Ghalib sex tape mercifully went away, and now Us Magazine has confirmed that Brooke Hogan has turned down an offer to pose nude in Playboy...for now.  Oh happy day for our eyes!  Alas, the big mystery will have to remain--is it REALLY female?

When Us first broke the story that she was mulling it over, they also noted a controversial incident in which Hulk applied sun tan lotion to Brooke's behind:

"I know I'm a grown woman, but it's like he's touching an old car," she told Us. "He used to change my diaper!"

Apparently, he subscribes to the same parenting methods as creepy Joe Simpson!

Madonna To Sarah Palin: Nanny Nanny Boo Boo

The only thing more disturbing than Madonna's costumes on her latest tour is her attempt at political humor.  The freakishly strong singer, who looks a bit like a transvestite matador in this get-up, took aim at Sarah Palin, and somehow missed the incredibly easy target.  Page Six reports:

At one point during the US kickoff of her "Sticky and Sweet" tour at the Meadowlands Saturday night, the Material Mom indulged her Republican-hating ways, shouting, "Sarah Palin can't come to my party. Sarah Palin can't come to my show. It's nothing personal." Then the kabbalah queen told the crowd, "Here's the sound of Sarah Palin's husband's snowmobile when it won't start," followed by a loud screeching noise.

Confused and bored, Madonna fans yelled, "Show us your penis!"  Nahhhh, but it makes for a much better story.

J-Lo Refers to Marc Anthony As...Wait For It...Strong

"Max is like Marc [Anthony, her husband]. He's got Marc's lungs, and he screams and he's strong, very boy," she tells Entertainment Tonight. "Emme's very delicate and quiet, but you can't mess with her!"

If by "strong" and "very boy," she means frighteningly frail and resembling a sewer rat, then I totally agree.