Jon Makes Kate Look Like a Sweet Petunia Pie

The most awesome thing about being in the public eye is that, no matter how big of an eff-up you are, there is bound to be someone who comes along and effs up even worse.  Look at the Governor of South Carolina.  The guy's balls were on the chopping block for fleeing to Argentina for some extramarital tail.  Then Michael Jackson goes and dies, and the guy becomes yesterday's news.  Poof...a spin doctor couldn't have done a better job. 

Rewind to about six months ago, when everyone under the sun wanted to crucify Octomom (and rightfully so) for being generally insane and dragging down her gaggle of chillins with her, but the Gosselin's are doing a bang-up job of taking the bad parenting focus off her at the moment.  I've never even watched an episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8, but I've gathered that those kids would be better off with a Costco card, a bus pass, and a "Growing Up For Dummies" book.  Apparently, she is a raging bitch and, from what I've seen, the guy's going through a major mid-life crisis of the white trash kind. 

I can barely even keep up with all the bad press Jon Gosselin's been getting--between his alleged binge drinking, dreams of designing children's clothes (WTF!?), and shiteous new girlfriend, Hailey Glassman, the guy makes Britney Spears look like she's got her shiz together.  They basically just filed for divorce, and he's been seen all over town with this gal pal, Hailey Glassman, who Radar Online is reporting is a former lesbian.  The best part of the Radar article, for your pleasure:

“I was 18, studying biology and I put on my profile that I was a lesbian,” she said in the interview. “Hailey mailed me and said that she was interested in going to IU. She also said she was interested in lesbianism. When she finally joined IU she said it had mainly been because of me.

Did she think "lesbianism" was a major?  I know people who have minored in it, but c'mon.  What's interesting is this is the least shocking news that's come out about her this week.  She also apparently banged a bunch of football players for coke in order to lose a bunch of weight.  Classssssy!  Here are the details from The Superficial:

We lived in Bordner 200 in McNutt during freshmen year at IU. Over winter break the first year she lost 20 pounds.When girls on the floor asked for her secret she said two word..."coke diet!" I also talked with her after sophomore spring break in Acapulco and she told some crazy stories involving her and a certain varsity athletic team.
When push came to shove....she spent all week hosting several football players in her room including then qb Blake Powers. The room was definitely not the only thing she provided (I heard about definite tag team action)... all on daddy's credit card of course.
The girl started out sweet but got consumed with the drugs, those kids better watch out before there daddy gets addicted to nose candy.

I'm no gyno, but I'm pretty sure if her vagina had free will, it would fall on its diseased sword.  Now, The Superficial has photos of Jon on the town with another nasty ho.  The guy doesn't even know how to use his 15 minutes to find a hot chick!  'Course, he must have thought Kate was good looking at one point, which pretty much throws his whole view of hotness on its ass. 

What will this douche do next?  I shudder to think.

Chris Brown, Diddy, & Others Touched by Michael Jackson

There's nothing that can warm the cockles of one's heart more than a touching tribute to a (alleged) pedophile performed by a musician that likes to beat the tar out of women.  Get me a tissue, will you?  Eonline is reporting that Chris Brown is teaming up with P Puff Sean Combs Diddy Daddy, among others, on a tribute song to the late pop icon Michael Jackson.  I wonder if they can get a moving intro from OJ in prison.  

What's even better is E! has revealed a few of the lines, and they are gems:

"I guess what I'm askin' is, everybody bow your head for a legend, don't breathe for a second... My confession, somebody tell Usher, I seen him moonwalk, I guess the young 'Thriller' touched him, like he touched me, like he touched you..."

Yes, well, he did touch a lot of people...allegedly. 

Melissa Joan Hart Sucks

Melissa Joan Hart, who is recently getting publicity for losing her (massive) baby weight (And who the eff are you anyway?), proves that her last name is a bit ironic.  According to Page Six, she of the highly acclaimed Sabrina the Teenage Witch, was hoping Farah Fawcett wouldn't kick the bucket this week...not because of her concern for her well-being, but rather because the news would have likely bumped her off the cover of PEOPLE Magazine.  Melissa the Middle Aged Bitch! 

What's even more ironic is Hart appeared on KTLA to promote her new ice cream and candy store.  Skank lost the weight and now wants the rest of us schmo's to be lard asses.  Protest! 

BTW, is that Mayor Villaragosa in the background of this pic from The Superficial?

Octo-mom to Buy a Pig: Swine Not?

With a possible reality show in the works, it's clear Octo-mom has been trying to bring home the bacon.  According to Usmagazine.com, she's also considering the whole pig...ya know, cuz she's not crazy or anything.  Maybe she should save the money from the farm animal in favor of...I don't know...a mental health savings account for all the years of therapy those kids are going to need.  I hear you can get that tax-free!  Here's the scoop:

"For a couple of years, the kids have been asking for a dog," Suleman tells the San Gabriel Valley News. "I've actually been looking into a pig, like a little one."

Suleman says if she were to buy a pig, it would wear a diaper and live outside the family's $564,000 La Habra, Calif. home because of its smell.

She's also thinking about getting a a teacup Pomeranian or a similar small pooch, she tells the newspaper.

The 33-year-old is currently negotiating for a reality show.

She also recently tried to trademark her nickname, Octo-mom.

"Nadya doesn't like being called it, but if someone's going to make money from it, might as well be her," her lawyer Jeff Czech says in Us Weekly's latest issue, on stands now.

And the rationalizations just keep on comin'!  I'm just surprised she hasn't tried to make a trade - one pig for one baby...it's not like anyone would notice, including her.

Brian Austin Green: Living Proof That Men Are Never Pleased

For years now, men everywhere have seen Brian Austin Green as a hero - a beacon of hope that an average looking guy can date up...and date up in a BIG way.  Let's face it - the guy's a solid 5 on a good day, when his mono-brow isn't quite touching, and yet he landed Megan Fox, who is, frankly, off the beauty charts scale.  To boot, she's basically come forth and admitted her love of sex, and even her penchant for dabbling in bisexuality.  A guy's dream?  You bet your sweet ass.  And what does Brian Austin Green do?  He blatantly laughs in the face of the gods of overachieving, and dares to cheat!  Okay, okay, so a picture doesn't prove anything, but it's not looking good. 

Brian, Brian, Brian, unless Megan is a hermaphrodite or has declared her undying devotion to the devil, you do not tempt fate.  You just grab on to what you've been given and enjoy the ride...while it lasts, my friend...while it lasts.

Somewhere, a Domestic Violence Shelter is Missing its Idiot

Because who doesn't love a good ass whoopin', some seriously mentally unstable woman has decided it'd be a good idea to take up with Chris Brown.  Ladies, this "man" is one ill fitting glove away from OJ, mmmk?  My boo, my ass!

The New York Daily News has the scoop:

And while Jackson is “no Rihanna,” the general consensus among his friends and family is that the new girl is going to be good for him in the long run. “[Erica] has a good head on her shoulders; she’s solid,” says our insider. Chris and his new gal pal were spotted leaving a Sunset Blvd. tattoo parlor on Saturday afternoon.

“She’s more of a plain Jane — cute though,” says our source. At the very least, she’s helping to ease Chris’ pain over Rihanna. He was mad in love with that girl.”

Really?  A "good head on her shoulders?"  Let's just hope it's well attached to her neck or it's going to show up in Rihanna's bed one of these days.

Britney Spears is So Classy

'Member those old lyrics "The children are our future"?  If that includes Britney Spears' generation, we're officially effed.  Just when it seems the girl might not be one cheetoh/Red Bull/Frapuccino cocktail away from a complete breakdown, she proves that she's just as looney as her undie and hair-free days.  

Celebuzz is reporting that, at last night's Vancouver show, Britney promptly walked off stage without explanation:

According to the Vancouver Sun, a female voice announced to the anxious crowd, "The building is awfully smoky. It is uncomfortable for everyone on stage, including Ms. Spears. Please extinguish all cigarettes—this is a non-smoking building, and the show will resume when the smoke on the stage is cleared."

Finally, the pop star reappeared on stage about 30 minutes later, finishing her upbeat set for the Canadian audience. Wearing her hot police-woman outfit, she ended the encore with some ironic words: "Drive safe. Don't smoke weed. And rock out with your c*cks out. Peace motherf*ckers."

Um, okay, where to start with this one.  First of all, Britney's calling people out for smoking too much?  Hey Pot, it's kettle--BAM!  There were days you'd have gladly sucked off the back of an exhaust pipe had you been out of your ciggies.  Secondly, "Rock out with your c*cks out"?  Anyone who's seen where you've been in the last ten years will rock out with their c*cks in, thank you very much.

Lindsay Lohan Solidifies Her Standing as White Trash

Move over, Britney, there's a new Mayor in Crazy Town!  Lindsay Lohan, who desperately needs to eat a cheeseburger, has proved she has one less brain cell and, let's face it, that's tough to do.

After Jerry Springer-esque stories of broken windows, fist fights, and middle-of-the-night visits to Jack Nicholson's house (WTF!?), Samantha Ronson somehow saw fit to kick the sickly looking Lindsay Lohan to the curb.  And like the douche-tastic John Mayer before her, Li-lo saw fit to take her story to Twitter.  After Sam's family decided to block Lindsay from coming to Charlotte Ronson's party, Us Magazine reports this on Lindsay's tweets: 

PLEASE leave me ALONE. and stop staying in the room below me, you've woken me and my mother up. go to bed. keep cheating u win.

In addition to accusing Ronson of cheating on her, Lohan also slammed her for badmouting (sic) her to People magazine.

Lohan disputes there was any drama, despite multiple sources, witnesses and her Twitter page telling Us otherwise.

"Oy vey. lol," she told Us over email when asked about the fight and the breakup. "Not true. hahahaha."

Sadly, Lindsay thinks "Oy vey" means pass the vodka.

Heidi Montag Wants Spencer Pratt to Rap, Yes Rap, On Her CD

Why is that anyone with a pair of ta ta's thinks they can sing these days?  The biggest fame whores this side of...shit...anywhere...are releasing an album together.  Reali-douche Heidi Montag wants to punish us even more by not only releasing music, but by having her milk toast pretend husband Spencer Pratt rap on it.  Is this some kind of sick joke, cuz April Fool's is over, assholes!?  You get one day to eff with us, and the other 364 days of the year, no one wants to entertain the thought of your cracker boyfriend spouting off some lame ass lyrics he thought of while sitting on the crapper!  Before I go punch something hard just to make sure I haven't died and gone to hell, here is the story from UsMagazine.com:

"Spencer Pratt is amazing," she says. "I'd love to get him on my album. He sings, he raps — he does everything."

She even wrote one tune, "Your Love Found Me," after their controversial relationship.

"This is a song that is so fun to play," says Montag. "It is so heartwarming, and every time I hear it, I get so excited. For me, it was a really fun song. It's very much about me and my relationship. Before I found Spencer, I had so much chaos, and when I found him, I became lost in him in a good way."

Hey, I've got a fun song.  It's actually a little Country ditty called "Your 15 Minutes is up, Beeyatch, So Don't Let the Door Hit You in Your Implanted Ass!"

John Mayer's Douchiness Caused His Breakup With Jen

This article on The Superficial confirms my worst nightmare:  John Mayer is an incurable douche.  I didn't want to believe it at first.  I even ignored his hideous and distorted "O" face that he sports throughout his concerts.  I really, really tried, but I need to face facts.  John Mayer is a d-bag, and he lets his freaky d-bag flag fly like it's something to be proud of too.  The article (via the Telegraph) outlines how John's addiction to Twitter ultimately broke up his relationship with Jennifer Aniston:

The source said: "John suddenly stopped calling her or returning her emails and when she would finally catch up with him, he'd say: 'I've been so busy with work. I'm sorry I haven't had time to call you back."
The source added: "Jen was fuming. There he was, telling her he didn't have time for her and yet his page was filled with Twitter updates.
"Every few hours, sometimes minutes, he'd update with some stupid line. And in her mind, she was like 'He has time for all this Twittering, but he can't send me a text, an email, make a call?'."
It has also been claimed musician John made no attempt to cover up his Twitters.
The source said: "He didn't even deny it. He knew he was avoiding her. So when she called him on it and ended things, he just said OK, and that he was sorry it didn't work out.
"He took the break-up like a man."
Even so, shortly after Aniston's call, Mayer's Twitter update read: 'This heart didn't come with instructions.'

This heart didn't come with instructions?  There are only two excuses for writing, nay tweeting, such nonsense.  1) You've just accepted a spot on the show "Gone Country" or 2) You were involved in a horrible paper mill accident and your balls were shredded into oblivion.

Breaking News: Michael Jackson Collects Little Boys

I'm feeling lazy today, so I thought I'd blog about a story that writes itself.  TMZ has uncovered the manifest of items that have come from Jacko's Neverland mansion and, surprise, there is a wide array of statues of young boys!  Here is the list from his bizarre boy collection:

"boy with accordion," "boy sitting on bricks," "boy w/ baton and hat w/ feathers," "two boys on swing bar," "two boys with ladder," "boys sleeping on bench," " boys milking goat," "boy on a toy car with girl," "boy pulling, 2 boys on a bike," "boy lifting girl," "2 boys sitting on a sunflower," "little boy with turquoise overalls on a stand," "bronze boy and girl hugging," "bronze boy carrying a fruit basket," "boys catching fish." And it goes on and on and on and on ....

What, no boy doing the downward dog?  No boy holding what looks to be the remnants of a human nose?  Come on, guys, this is news meant to shock?  I'd be more surprised if they uncovered a Playboy collection.  "Hey Michael, what's this?"  "Oh that?  Kindling."

Memo to Brooke Hogan re: Stripper Pole Offense

Open Letter to Brooke Hogan:

Brooke, Brooke, Brooke, while I'm not 100% convinced that you're not your dad in drag, I thought I'd write you this letter on the off chance that you are, indeed, a woman.  I can only imagine that you have some sort of reverse circus mirror in your home that has somehow convinced that you are the kind of girl that could (and should) work a stripper pole.  You are not.  I don't care if you go with the landing strip, the Brazilian, or the full Tele Savalas down there.  No one, and I repeat NO ONE, wants to see your naughty bits, wrapped around a pole or otherwise.

Here is a list of some of things I'd rather see than your vajayjay:

The porta potties the day after Mardi Gras

The inside of Amy Winehouse's mouth

Spencer Pratt's penis (ewwww)

John McCain's penis

One of Paris Hilton's open sores

My mom and dad doing the nasty

I think you get the picture.

Thank you,

Jane Q Public

Jessica Simpson's Brain Should Be Donated To Science

How many blondes does it take to remember the lyrics to a Country song?  Don't ask Jessica Simpson.  The "Oh shit I used to at least have a hot bod" singer (?) forgot the words for like the bazillionth time in concert the other night.  I can only imagine that creepy Dad-ager Joe Simpson has greased the palm of every music exec in the business.  Otherwise, how the eff does this girl continue to hit the stage? 

Us Magazine has the story on the latest gaffe:

She flubbed the opening lyrics to "Remember That," a song about being in an abusive relationship.

"Oops! I said whiskey too early! I messed up!" she said before starting the song over. "I'm so embarrassed! But I'm starting over again because I really want you guys to hear the lyrics the right way."

While singing "Still Don't Stop Me", she also mixed up the opening line, blushing and running her fingers through her hair.

"I messed up again! I do this all the time!" she said, laughing.

When lip synching Ashlee Simpson proves to be the more talented sister, it's time to grab your douche boyfriend, a 20-gallon bucket of Haagen Dazs and call it a career.

Why I Love Heidi Montag's Mother

Now, I didn't think anyone could think less of a human being than I do of Spencer Pratt, but Us Magazine is reporting that Heidi Montag's own mother thinks the guy had to roofie her just to get her to marry him.  Now that's just sad!

Here's the scoop:

"He's manipulative and seems to have power over Heidi," Darlene Egelhoff, 46, told Us in an exclusive interview from her home in Crested Butte, Colorado the day after Montag, 22, blew off Thanksgiving with her family to stay with Pratt in Cabo San Lucas., the site of her Nov. 20 elopement. "I would like to see a blood test from Mexico. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had her drugged."

"Spencer has tried to cut everyone out of her life," Egelhoff tells Us. "I've been honest with Heidi, and it's caused our relationship to decline. I'm more devastated about that than the marriage, because I'm confident the marriage won't work out."

Egelhoff - who divorced Montag's dad when she was just 3 and admits she rushed into things too - says they used to be inseparable.

"She was my Velcro, always attached to me," says Egelhoff. "I want the best for my daughter - and he's definitely not it. I think Spencer wants to possess Heidi more than marry her."

In Spencer's defense, he is part owner of the new and improved parts of Heidi 2.0.  One question remains:  Who paid for the lobotomy?

Ann Coulter Gets a Plate Of Shut-The-Hell-Up For Turkey Day

Hey Ann Coulter, why the long face?  What, no answer?  Oh, that's right!  Your jaw has been wired shut!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Locklear Gets DUI Despite No Illegal Drugs, Booze: WTF

Poor Heather Locklear--she's only been out of the treatment center since July, where she was seen for anxiety and depression, and now she's been officially charged with a DUI.  TMZ reports:

Heather Locklear has just been charged with one count of driving under the influence of drugs....prescription medications.

No alcohol and no illegal narcotics were found in Heather's system.

Santa Barbara County Deputy District Attorney Lee Carter tells us they believe the prescription medications found in her system "could have impaired her ability to safely drive a motor vehicle."

Locklear was busted September 27.

Come on--according to E Online, the frightened looking star was driving in a freaking parking lot, back and forth over a pair of sunglasses.  Who hasn't wanted to do the same thing?  Surely, she was picturing Denise Richards as the sunglasses, and no one can blame her for that.  Have you seen "It's Complicated"!?  Meanwhile, Nicole Richie gets busted for driving the wrong way on a highway, and Lindsay Lohan's taking hostages and driving around with her hair on fire, most likely on her tenth eight ball of the day.  And they all got DUI's?

Isn't there such a thing as DUI Light?  I'm jussayin'.

Madonna Makes Michael Jackson Look "Normal"

Madonna revealed her crazy hand in a recent list of demands she sent along with her sons, Rocco and David, who are visiting father Guy Ritchie in London. 

According to the Daily Mail, the recently trannylicious Madonna, who is in the midst of her "Sticky and Sweet" tour, sent along these bizarre instructions.  As unlikable as she comes across after reading this, one can only hope that they went straight from the airport to Chuck E Cheese's where they took a long swim in those E Coli balls.  From there, they picked up a porn, bought clothes from immigrant children, drank from the toilet, watched Daddy shag his new girlfriend, and ended the evening by burning Madonna's books. 

And that, my friends, is what we call "sticky and sweet."

Amy Winehouse Attacks & Binges : In Other Words, Thursday

Amy Winehouse's husband, Blake Fielder Civil, was released from prison yesterday after nearly a year in prison for witness tampering (He went straight to rehab.), and Amy "celebrated" as only Amy can.  She threw her best table cloth on her head, seemingly malled her own impetigo-stricken face, ingested God knows what, and ended the night suckling from another man's knuckle.  Good times!

The London Daily Mail has the sordid events:

Winehouse, who left hospital on Monday after receiving ongoing treatment for a 'chest infection', looked far from jubilant as she emerged from the residence at 4pm this afternoon with make-up smeared across her face.

She appeared to be in an agitated state, lunging at a photographer stationed outside her home shouting: 'Who's first? Who wants some?'.

She refused to comment on her husband's release.

After attending a drugs and alcohol clinic Winehouse was pictured clutching a prescription and falling into a cab as she returned home, her face streaked with dirt and tears.

A couple of hours later her father Mitch turned up at her flat and not long after a pizza delivery arrived.

After they had eaten no-nonsense Mitch shepherded his subdued daughter to his cab.

The singer appeared to have showered and to have changed her clothes after her father's arrival.

However, she was back to her erratic ways later in the evening, sucking on a male friend's knuckle before later passing out in the back of a cab.

Ahhhhh to be one of the millions of flies on Amy Winehouse's walls.

Jennifer Aniston: And That Is What We Call Closure

Jennifer Aniston has begun to implement Project-Keep-A-Man and apparently her first move is one of the oldest tricks in the book...workin' the green eyed monster.  Sorry, Jen, but the whole thing just feels a little staged and, well, a lot desperate.  OK! Magazine reports:

John Mayer had the upper hand when he publicly dumped Jennifer Aniston in August, but two months later the actress has him right where she wants him. On Oct. 22, Jen joined handsome actor Gerard Butler for a late supper at one of her favorite haunts, The Tower Bar in West Hollywood.

“Gerard was laughing loudly towards the end of the meal,” a fellow diner tells OK!, “while Jen was laughing uncontrollably!”

The Friends star is playing hardball with John, who is begging her for a second chance. “Jen now has laid down some hard and fast rules for John, if he ever wants things to work out between them,” a pal of Jen tells OK!.

And John, so far, appears to be following them, temporarily giving up his bachelor pad in Pacific Palisades, Calif., for a room at the Beverly Hills Hotel – one of Jen’s frequent hangouts. “He’s created a little nest where she can feel comfortable,” a source tells OK!.

“Jen’s been seeing John, but she let him know other men still find her attractive,” a gal pal of Jen says. And the actress, who has a habit of falling for her co-stars, may have already found a new leading man.

Every article regarding Jennifer Aniston should just end with...until she fucks it up.  Sorry Jen!

Lock Stock & Two Smoking...Insults?

The Guy Ritchie/Madonna divorce has gone from civil to a bit slimy to dirty doo-doo slinging in a matter of days.  Us Magazine is reporting that the two have been hurling truths...er...insults at one another for years, and some of the fights have even gotten physical. 

"She would taunt Guy, saying, 'I should have married someone like me: strong, hot-blooded, intelligent, ambitious, spiritual,'" reveals a Ritchie source. "Their fights would often get heated. A few times Madonna slapped him or poked him."

With a normal woman this might even be funny, but Madonna's guns have been used in covert terrorist torture plots.

His reaction? "Guy called her old, fat, ugly and wrinkled and said that she was stupid and couldn't sing," another Madonna pal tells Us.

Meanwhile, a source tells Us Ritchie has already entered a relationship with British actress Kelly Reilly, who is starring in his upcoming drama Sherlock Holmes.

And just when you think, "Man, that guy's gotta pair of balls, shagging another young lady already," Us goes and reports another story about him bawling his eyes out after seeing his son sport a Yankees t-shirt.  You directed Snatch!  For God's sake, man, get yourself together!

Mary-Kate Wants to be The Zany Aunt

Star Magazine is reporting that one half of the Olsen twins plans on procreating.  Honey, I shrunk the...oh wait, that's their actual size!  As you can imagine, the seemingly more normal Ashley is the one who wants kids, while M-K prefers the single life:

Mary-Kate, who has been dating NYC artist Nate Lowman for a year, says it's not for her. "I don't feel the need to get married," the freewheeling Olsen explains. "But Ashley wants children. I'll be a great aunt or godmother."

Oh yeah, nothing says role model like a bulimic, no-talent recluse with a drug problem...allegedly.

Tara Reid's Abs Gone Wrong

The Superficial has taken it upon themselves to post numerous photos of Tara Reid in a bikini the past few days and, while I'll be the first to admit she's not looking half bad, those abs are still downright frightening!  It's hard to look away because, deep down, I feel as though her stomach is trying to send me a message or hypnotize me!

Reminds me a bit of Edvard Munch's famous piece, The Scream!

Guy Ritchie to Madonna: Thanks For Mutton!

So much for the high road.  Madonna and Guy Ritchie have officially taken it to the nanny-nanny-boo-boo stage of divorce, with Madonna starting it by implying he is "emotionally retarded" during one of her recent concerts.  Now, Guy Ritchie is saying that Madonna's psychotic exercise regimen not only kept her from home for long periods of time, it has morphed her into a slab of beef...and the tough kind that gets stuck in your teeth at that.  The Daily Mail reports:

Her insistence on sticking to a gruelling four-hour exercise routine has been blamed for destroying the pair's seven-and-a-half year marriage.

The strict regime reportedly meant the couple went for 18 months without making love.

When they did find time to make love, it was like 'cuddling up to a piece of gristle', Ritchie is said to have told friends.

Madonna's exercise regime reportedly meant her and husband Guy Ritchie went for 18 months without making love

A close friend told the News of the World: 'When the cracks began to show in their marriage, Madonna wouldn't budge.

'Guy was pleading with her to spend more time with him but she wouldn't have it. She'd insist she did her four-hour workout and that would be half the day gone.'

'They've been apart so much in the last two years the times when they could have made love have been pretty limited.

Well, there's that and the fact that the last time they did do it, Madonna probably used Guy for some extra arm curls.

Tea Leoni & Billy Bob Thornton: WTF!?

The big story of the day seems to be the Tea Leoni/David Duchovny divorce, as most are probably scratching their heads about why the guy went to sex addiction rehab when they're claiming that they've been separated for months.  But what most media outlets aren't reporting is that it wasn't only David who strayed, but Tea was allegedly also in bed with Billy Bob Thornton.  Hmmm mmmm.  The two met while filming the sure-hit Manure.

The UK Telegraph has the story:

David Duchovny and his wife Téa Leoni have split up after the actor allegedly discovered explicit text messages on her mobile phone sent by Billy Bob Thornton.

What kind of voo doo does this guy practice to get the likes of Angelina Jolie and Tea Leoni?  I mean, I know the guy's a major thespian with his recent cinematic genius in Bad News Bears and Mr. Woodcock, but c'mon.

Britney's Pits Go British

Sure, sure, everyone else is writing about the big Madonna and Guy Ritchie divorce story but, dangit, I just feel like posting photos of people who aren't quite right...case in point: BRITNEY SPEARS.  Just when you think she's getting her shiz back in order, BAM, she goes and flaunts her hairy pits. 

Hey, ya know what, this story is kinda almost like the Madonna story because Madonna and Britney both pretend to have British accents, and British women love underarm hair...oh, and Britney and Madonna kissed once.  See...it's like six degrees of skanky, unsanitary separation.

Speidi Strikes Again

Reason number 1,000,000,000,000,055 that Speidi should suffer any one of the following fates:

Diced into chum to be used during Shark Week

Hurled to the moon with a note saying "No Take-Backs"

Forced to watch "The Hills" in perpetuity

Wrapped in bacon and thrown into the bear den at the zoo

Bodies donated to science; used for research on douchebags

Force fed pop rocks and cases of Coke to dispel urban legend...or not

I could go on for days...

Somewhere "The Hills" Is Missing Its Idiot

Say it ain't so...LC is apparently ready to cut the fake-angst-ridden apron strings and move on from "The Hills".  Us Magazine has the story:

"It's coming to a point where I love this show so much, but I'm ready to kind of walk away," Conrad tells Extra. "I've been doing it for five years now. Five years on TV is a really, really long time."

Conrad - who has denied recent rumors that she had a fling with Audrina Patridge's on-and-off beau Justin Bobby - says trying to have a relationship in the public eye has been tough.

"It's more difficult when not only everyone knows about your problems, but they make them worse because things escalate and things get twisted," she says. "It's hard to have an actual friendship be torn apart in the media."

So how should she go out?  Fiery car crash?  A nuclear incident?  Plastic surgery gone awry?  What's that? This show is real?  Oh, okay.  Death by curling iron then?

Forget Like A Virgin; Madonna's Like a Bitch

Hold on to your cone boobs--it turns out that Madge/Madonna/Material Girl is not actually a nice person.  Fake surprise!  Page Six has the low-down on her diva-like behavior:

MADONNA is a demanding diva even to her peers. The Swedish pop star Robyn was psyched when the Material Mom invited her to open for a handful of her European concerts but quickly found out there are rules. Robyn told her hometown Swedish paper that she and her crew were told "not to approach Madonna, not to speak to Madonna and, above all, no pictures . . . I hadn't expected any glamour, but it's strange that they assume that the first thing you're gonna do is run after Madonna and ask for an autograph. My worst nightmare would be to turn into Madonna . . ."

Apparently those roids are making her a little grumpy.  On the bright side, they'll help to shrink her giant penis.

Audrina To World: You're Just Jealous!

I thought I'd hit my Audrina Patridge quota yesterday, but this laugh-out-loud story was just too good.  Audrina told Fox News that she's not just another "painted face" in Hollywood.  It's a good thing she didn't say "pretty face," or I would have had to call her something mean, like Horse Teeth or Ann Coulter's brunette doppelganger.  So close, Audrina, so close.  Here is what The Hills star (ha ha!) had to say about being picked on because she had guy friends:

"Girls didn't like it, so they would call me names and spread terrible rumors," she says. "You just have to hold your chin up and take it as a compliment that certain people dedicate that much time and effort to talk about you. I don't think I'll ever stop experiencing that. I have just gotten better at understanding and dealing with it."

"I was committed to doing well. I took a few semesters of college with child psychology in mind, but eventually dropped out and moved to L.A. to pursue my dreams to model and act.

She says "people are always surprised" that she is on a hit reality show "because I was on the shy side when I was younger.

"People assume they know me from what they see in the media and on television: that I am just full of blank stares and another painted face in Hollywood, riding that 15 minutes of fame on a reality show," she says. "It's hard to be judged when the public is only seeing a teeny tiny bit of what I am all about. I love music, my family and my friends with everything I have, and I am very dedicated to my dreams."

What the hell is she doing talking to Fox News anyway?  You just know O'Reilly would love to get those...I mean her...on The Factor.

Over The Hills...

The Hills are alive...with the sound of B.S.!  Apparently, the two people who still watch the show have been debating whether Lauren Conrad actually hooked up with Audrina Patridge's ex, Justin Bobby, as has been speculated in the media.  It turns out that Audrina's suspicions were a whole bunch of hooey, as it was Audrina who started the rumor in the first place.  Oh, the horror!  The Superficial has the scoop via Us Weekly:

A source close to The Hills says, "Audrina herself spread the rumors to get more attention. Audrina is the one who gets the least attention. She was so jealous, she concocted this on her own."

Couldn't she have just gone and gotten herself herpes or something?  Oh wait...

What's even funnier is that MTV saw fit to give the most boring person to ever grace the small screen, Whitney Port, her own TV show!  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz!  Us Magazine reports:

"Surrounded by all new friends, pursuing a fresh love life and starting to work in the upper echelon of the fashion industry is a lot to navigate for a new girl in the big city... especially one who has everything to lose," the release reads. "In a city full of people with their own agendas, Whitney will have to quickly decide who she can trust and who to stay away from."

Too afraid to take Ambien?  This is the perfect solution!

Brooke Hogan Realizes Nobody Wants To See That

First, the Britney Spears/Adnan Ghalib sex tape mercifully went away, and now Us Magazine has confirmed that Brooke Hogan has turned down an offer to pose nude in Playboy...for now.  Oh happy day for our eyes!  Alas, the big mystery will have to remain--is it REALLY female?

When Us first broke the story that she was mulling it over, they also noted a controversial incident in which Hulk applied sun tan lotion to Brooke's behind:

"I know I'm a grown woman, but it's like he's touching an old car," she told Us. "He used to change my diaper!"

Apparently, he subscribes to the same parenting methods as creepy Joe Simpson!

Madonna To Sarah Palin: Nanny Nanny Boo Boo

The only thing more disturbing than Madonna's costumes on her latest tour is her attempt at political humor.  The freakishly strong singer, who looks a bit like a transvestite matador in this get-up, took aim at Sarah Palin, and somehow missed the incredibly easy target.  Page Six reports:

At one point during the US kickoff of her "Sticky and Sweet" tour at the Meadowlands Saturday night, the Material Mom indulged her Republican-hating ways, shouting, "Sarah Palin can't come to my party. Sarah Palin can't come to my show. It's nothing personal." Then the kabbalah queen told the crowd, "Here's the sound of Sarah Palin's husband's snowmobile when it won't start," followed by a loud screeching noise.

Confused and bored, Madonna fans yelled, "Show us your penis!"  Nahhhh, but it makes for a much better story.

J-Lo Refers to Marc Anthony As...Wait For It...Strong

"Max is like Marc [Anthony, her husband]. He's got Marc's lungs, and he screams and he's strong, very boy," she tells Entertainment Tonight. "Emme's very delicate and quiet, but you can't mess with her!"

If by "strong" and "very boy," she means frighteningly frail and resembling a sewer rat, then I totally agree.

Amy Winehouse on Rehab? Nose, Nose, Nose

This story is a little on the nose (groan), but Fox News is reporting that Amy Winehouse's years of drug abuse have taken their toll on the "Rehab" singer's schnoz.  Apparently inhaling everything but Sweet N' Low will do that to you.

“Amy knows that her nose is next to fall apart — she admitted to me that it feels weak at the bone,“ my source said.

I saw Winehouse at a pub last week and she didn't look well. Regarding her nose, she told me, "Yeah, it’s a problem, but it’s my problem so leave it.“ With that she fell against the DJ stand and seemed to fall asleep.

Luckily for Winehouse, Scientologists have seen fit to swoop in and fix the woman of disappearing body parts.  The London Mirror reports:

Amy has told mates she received a “welcoming” phone call from the religious sect’s “celebrity centre” in LA.

My spies tell me she’s now seriously considering joining Hollywood stars including Tom Cruise, Katy Holmes, John
Travolta and Juliette Lewis.

The movement was founded by science fiction writer L Ron Hubbard, who believed each human is inhabited by an alien spirit.

I’m told the church recommended their Narconon drugs programme, which they claim has helped hundreds of addicts kick their habits.

One of Amy’s inner circle tells me: “She had a call from the celebrity branch of the Church Of Scientology. She thinks they got her number through one of the American music producers who worked on her Back to Black album.

Nothing says well adjusted like Tom Cruise!  In her defense, poor Amy thought "alien spirit" was her initiation present.

Calum Knows Best

With all this heavy talk about the bailout and the Vice Presidential debate, let's talk about what REALLY matters--who turned Lindsay Lohan into a lesbian.  According to the Londin Mirror, her ex, Calum Best, thinks it was him:

He said: “I think I turned her.”

The ladies’ man, who clearly picked up his skills from legendary lothario dad George Best, dated Li-Lo for a short time in May 2007 when the pair were pictured getting up close and personal on a beach in the Bahamas, but they soon went their separate ways.

Speaking at the BT Digital Music Awards, Calum revealed he has no hard feelings towards Lohan and wishes her and DJ lover Sam Ronson well. He also commented on the press attention she attracts and said although she courts press attention sometimes, he pities her for the intrusion.

“I think good on her. I think she’s really cool, I got nothing bad to say about her and hope for the best for her,” he said.

Lindsay might have been hooked on him but one thing's for sure, this guy needs to be hooked on phonics.

LiLo and SamRo Frolic (On Purpose) In Mexico

The Superficial has been posting pics of Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson's trip to Mexico all week, and I can't help but laugh at how unnatural some of the poses are.  It's as if Lindsay thinks she's making a porn, and Samantha's just trying to figure out when she's supposed to show up with the ironic basket of really big bananas.

Adnan Holds Brit's Nasty Naughtby Bits Ransom

Oops, I guess she DID do it again, or didn't she?  Or did she?  Whether or not Britney filmed her game of Hide the Pickle (and the Nachos Supreme) with Adnan Ghalib is getting increasingly confusing, as the slimeball ex-photographer is now officially telling Star his "version" of the story:

"There is no sex tape," Adnan tells Star exclusively, "and I've never claimed there is one."

"I don't know where these quotes I'm supposed to have said have come from," says Adnan. "What I do know is they certainly didn't come from me and they are completely false. I'm extremely upset and distressed and I'm taking legal action... This story has caused a lot of hurt to my family and people close to me."

However, The Sun is reporting that it looks as though there is, indeed, a sex tape, but the new, saner Britney has her team working diligently to make sure it never sees the light of day:

It is thought a pornography website is prepared to offer the photographer up to £5million for the footage.

But now she’s staged a remarkable comeback, Britney is willing to part with as much of her own money as it takes to keep the tape off the market and the focus on her upcoming world tour.

A pal told a newspaper: “Her lawyers have been working overtime. They’ve been told to do whatever it takes to stop the video making it onto the Internet.”

Most sites are quick to point out how lovely Britney is looking these days, but let's not forget that this video was taken in the hazy days when a follicly challenged Britney was fueled by Red Bull, mocha fraps, and Cheetohs.

Sharon Stone's Basic Instincts...Are Crazazy

As if it isn't bad enough that your mother has the most famous vajayjay this side of everywhere, Sharon Stone has now managed to put her son Roan's stinky feet on blast.  TMZ has the details of her own stinky parenting:

Among many things, the judge says, "Mother appears to overreact to many medical issues involving Roan." In one case, the judge describes Stone believing Roan had a spinal condition, but "there was no evidence to support this allegation."

And then the court says, "Another example of an overreaction is that Mother suggested that Roan should have Botox injections in his feet to resolve a problem he had with foot odor. As Father appropriately noted, the simple and common sense approach of making sure Roan wore socks with his shoes and used foot deodorant corrected the odor problem without the need for any invasive procedure on this young child."

The judge differentiated very distinctly the difference between Bronstein and Stone, saying, "Father has championed for Roan's well-being out of, what appears to this Court, nothing less than the unconditional love for his son. Unfortunately, and for unexplained reasons, it appears that Mother did not involve herself to the extent she could or should have in this process ... Mother has attempted to put up roadblocks to Roan's getting help, or has decided against participating in his care."

Can we just tack on another billion dollars to the bailout plan for this poor kid's therapy bills?  Seriously.

Hef Loses Girls; Goes Soft

There has been lots of talk about the changes going on in Hef's House these days, and apparently the transitions have Hef waxing privates...I mean nostalgic.  Us Magazine reports:

"There are lot of changes going on ... people are going through changes," Kendra Wilkinson told Usmagazine.com at Saturday's Karu&Y Relaunch party in Miami. "There's a lot of rumors about me moving on, Holly
moving on ... it's really sad."

Wilkinson, 23 (who has denied reports she's engaged), continued: "I mean, it's only sad because Hef has to deal with it, and Hef gets really emotional because he really loves us.

"He is definitely a softie," she added, "so it's really sad seeing him go through this stuff."

There's no word on what Hef thinks about Kendra's use of the word "softie," but we're guessing he's not too happy.

Shia LaBeouf Getting Quite the LaDeal

Shia LaBeouf's lawyers have taken a page out of the O.J. Simpson handbook by getting the suddenly huge movie star out of an equally huge bind.  Not only is he not being charged with DUI for his recent car accident, but TMZ is reporting that he might not even lose his license despite the fact that he turned down a blood alcohol test. 

Shia's lawyer, Michael Norris, tells us he believes he can convince the DMV that when Shia was asked to submit to the test, he was in no position to respond. Norris says, "Asking someone to provide a blood or breath test while they're being prepared for surgery on a gurney is a very unusual situation."

Nahhh, what would be unusual is ol' Schmitty down at Paddy's Bar & Grill trying to pull the same thing.  He'd be doing everything he could not to drop the soap at this point.

Britney Spears Isn't Crazy...Still a Little Slutty

Britney was seen yesterday donning a short, black wig, and those who'd sunk some coin in the Britney Spears meltdown pool in Vegas were counting their winnings...all a bit prematurely, however, according to Us Magazine.  The wig was for her latest video, and was part of a whole slutty get-up:

In one scene, Spears (who wears tight, black leather pants and fake tattoos on her arms in the video) lies on a kitchen counter and later straddles and makes out with a man dressed in business suit.

The scene continues with Spears sucking on cherries or dangling them around her mouth, all while straddling and crawling all over the man, the witness says.

All the hot and heavy action didn't seem to faze Spears.

"She seems to be all business," the witness told Us. "She'd just do one thing after another and then on to the next."

Spears worked up a sweat — her black bob wig was rubbing off on her forehead, says the witness — and an appetite.

For lunch, she ate three pieces of cheese pizza.

A pizza-scarfing, cherry-dangling, man-straddling Britney Spears.  She's gone classy on us, everyone!

Speidi Shows Up to Homeless Shelter: Homeless Lose Appetite

I've generally steered clear of writing about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt on principle alone, as those two media whores need more press coverage like Amy Winehouse needs a hit off a crack pipe.  But yesterday's spectacle at a homeless shelter was more than I could stomach.  The good deed turned photo opp makes it seem like public flogging should be brought back...and soon.

Britney's House (Of Horrors) On the Market

Britney's house in The Summit is up for sale for a cool 7.9 million!  If only those walls could talk...well, they'd be rich (and traumatized).  As reported on TMZ, the 7,500 sq ft. Italian Renaissance Villa boasts 6 bedrooms, 6.5 baths, a pool and a spa.

There's no word on whether the price is written in stone, but we're guessing there's a little bit of leeway due to the Taco Bell stench, Frappuccino stains, and the "Britney Was Here" sign smeared in Cheetohs dust.

90210 Star Shows Us How To Stay Thin...and Get Cancer

Much ado has been made over the girls of CW's "90210" being too thin.  TMZ posted this photo of Shenae Grimes and, well folks, the secret to her tiny frame is out...a crapload of ciggies...watered down with a diet coke, no doubt.  To Healthy Eating!

Hold On To Your Silk Boxers...Clay Aiken Is Gay!

Well, get me my lipstick and call me a pig, Clay Aiken came out of the closet.  E! Online has the story:

"We can confirm that Clay Aiken and his son are featured on the next issue of People" is all the magazine would say in response to questions about its leaked cover, which boasts the pullout quote: "Yes, I'm gay."

"I cannot raise a child to lie or to hide things," he says.

The 29-year-old pop star's sexuality came under increased scrutiny when he admitted to fathering a child with fiftysomething Jaymes Foster, sister of famed music producer David Foster.

Parker Foster Aiken was born Aug. 8 in North Carolina, with Aiken writing on his blog that all families involved were "thrilled."

It's about as shocking as the revelation that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are dating (Gasp!), but, well, good for him.  Hopefully others will have the courage to follow suit.

You hear me, Ryan Seacrest?

Wanna Clean Courtney Love's House?

One flew over Britney's cuckoo's nest and landed at another Casa De Crazy, Courtney Love's residence.  As E! Online reported, the nutty and spelling challenged singer (?) put out an ad on her MySpace page calling for "a non thieving non freaky housekeeper."  Hey Pot, it's Kettle...you're black...and stoned...and dirty...and...

For giggles, here is the rest of the rant:

is anyone insanely clean neatfreak near malibu? i need a non thieving non freaky housekeeper
also i need we need a documentarist, someone to document our studio as we go in wedsday, and i have ALOT of work to do til then and i wont just hand this to hbo or bbc 2 or bravo and god forbid not vh1! A DOCUMENATRY NOT A REALITY SHOW. get in touch with jason whp will further put you in touch with jason wienberg at untitled.
and am looking for a young PA type someone whor eally wants to get nto the film business cos as we startramping up pay some dues with me for a few months and you can be on this HTH movie - i think i know who i want to play kurt- he may not be as BEAUTIFUL as the other two but hes got something special and looks alot like him and has a great voice.
i know this is wierd- the agencies suck and im sick of PIGS who steal itts simple as that., so fuck it why not try my space , beats monster . no superfans please. and its very good money. btw the housekeeping part just early hours .
thanks
wierdo mgcee

Two things popped into my head after reading this.  One, she has superfans?  And two, can I buy a vowel?

Pat O'Brien's Career Circling the Drain

Pat O'Brien will have plenty of time for the coke and whores he's so fond of, as Page Six is reporting that he and "The Insider" have parted ways...said another way, he was canned:

The former host of "The Insider," who was demoted to a correspondent after several stints in rehab, infuriated his bosses when he sent out an ill-advised e-mail Monday to his "Insider" and "Entertainment Tonight" co-workers, which boasted of his own popularity. The e-mail also said one of "Insider" host Lara Spencer's segments on the show makes viewers "want to vomit."

It was only a mission statement!  Since voicemails and e-mail have let him down in a big way, P.O.B. has vowed to communicate only by carrier pigeon.

Janet Jackson in 2050 Is Still Nasty

It's a bloated Sanjaya!  It's a waffle iron!  It's Super Janet!  This was one of the...er...interesting outfits Janet Jackson donned for her concert at The Staples Center in Los Angeles last night.  

I never thought I'd say this, but her pasty covered nipple was a more welcome site than this hot futuristic S & M mess.

Ryan & Redmond O'Neal Arrested: AKA Wednesday

Those O'Neal's sure know how to party!  Wasn't it only a couple of months ago that the supposedly "clean" Tatum O'Neal was arrested on possesion of cocaine?  Now, Usmagazine.com is reporting that her father, Ryan, and brother, Redmond, were arrested this morning on suspicion of meth possession at Ryan's Malibu home.   The family that gets high together...um, goes to jail together?  Here's the scoop:

Authorities found Redmond, 24, in possession of the drug while a vial was discovered in Ryan's bedroom, Los Angeles County Sheriff's spokesman Steve Whitmore told the paper.

Ryan, 67, and Redmond are being held on $10,000 bail at the Malibu/Lost Hills sheriff's station.

The police search was related to Redmond's probation. He was arrested last year in Malibu on charges related to possession of heroin and meth while driving under the influence. As part of his plea, he was sentenced to three years of probation and charged $1,688 for the DUI.

Ryan, who was nominated for an Academy Award for his starring role in 1970's Love Story, was also arrested last year on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon and negligent discharge of a firearm during an argument with another son, Griffin. The actor claimed he only fired a warning shot.

Seriously, when are these guys going to finally hit rock bottom?  When they show up on Al Roeker's "Family Feud" in assless chaps and pasties, waving pistols in the air declaring they're the modern-day Kennedy's?   Only time will tell.

FOX's Modern Take On Snow White: It's TV Armageddon

Just when you thought FOX couldn't sink any lower than "Hole In the Wall," or the fact that they came THIS close to pulling the trigger on the Punk'd style show "Juiced" starring O.J. Simpson ("You've been juiced!"), the network is apparently sinking to a new low.  I heard about this on the way into work today, and I had to find out if it was true.  Sadly, it is.  The Hollywood Reporter has the scoop but, before you read this, you might want to put down that Coke you're drinking, lest it come out your nose:

Heigh-ho! Fox is developing a contemporary take on the classic Walt Disney tale of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" from producers Chris Brancato and Bert Salke, feature writers David Weissman and David Diamond and director Ken Kwapis.

Tentatively titled "Georgia and the Seven Associates," the hourlong dramedy, produced by ABC Studios, is tonally described as "The Devil Wears Prada" meets "Taxi" set in Los Angeles' legal circles.

It centers on Georgia Burnett, a young lawyer who is banished from a top law firm run by her stepmother and forced to team up with seven quirky lawyers at a storefront legal office.

"It is 'L.A. Law' vs. the little engine that could," said Brancato, who is writing the script with Weissman and Diamond.

The associates at the firm will have the personalities of the Seven Dwarfs. For instance, Doc is an ambulance chaser who carries neck braces in his trunk, and Sleepy is a bike messenger who parties at night and naps in the office.

Some of the legal cases will be modernized fairy tales, like one about three people whose homes were taken away by Wolf Corp.

Seriously, guys.  Developing shows at Burning Man when you're smoking lots of peyote is just a bad idea.  Really bad.

Donald Trump: Father Of The Year?

The only thing more frightening than The Donald's comb-over is the fact that he's dispensing parental advice.  OK Magazine has the story:

 While other rich young things are infamous for drinking, drugging and partying it up, the Donald's kids – Don Jr., Eric and Ivanka – are known for their business sense, hard-working habits and ambition.

 So how did he do it? Donald spoke to momlogic.com and gave these tips for raising "Kick Ass Kids":

1. Be an example. Children watch –and they will emulate what they see.

2. Set the standard high. Challenge is good, and accomplishment creates healthy self-respect.

3. Stress the importance of education, it's the foundation for success.

4. Let them know they are exceptional, so exceptional results are expected.

5. Exhibit a sense of community through participation and philanthropy. Giving back is a great reward.

While we’re guessing hugs and kisses are as foreign to him as the inside of a Walmart, it’s gotta be better than Lynne Spears' parenting tips, which were:  BIRTH OUT BABIES, ADD TEQUILA. 

Holly Madison: From Old Hag to Douchebag

I realize that title is rather harsh and, well, this article isn't going to be any nicer.  Holly Madison, the Playboy Bunny who's reconstructed everything but her internal organs, is leaving Hugh Hefner for the Mindfreak himself, Criss Angel.  How does he get all these women?  I guess we'll never know--a magician never reveals where he stores his roofies.  The Superficial reports: 

Holly Madison moves out of the Playboy Mansion because she is sleeping with Criss Angel.... according to inside source though Hef is totally fine with it.

Holly Madison was really working her way into everything (will) at Playboy even choosing Playmates for the magazine. Now “The Girls Next Door” Producers are scrambling on how they are going to finish the show with Holly Madison- Ex-Girl Next Door.

Sources have confirmed that Hef's heart is not broken, but his hip is another story.

Lance Armstrong Is Kind of An A-Hole

Apparently having one ball doesn't make Lance Armstrong any less of a dick...or something like that.  The modern-day-Casanova sat down with Men's Vogue and, according to Us Weekly, he doesn't exactly seek out women for their ability to discuss current events.  Instead, the seven time Tour de France winner said he likes women who are "hotter than doughnut grease."  Now that's hot!  We can only guess he lowered his standards to "lukewarm like pizza dough" when he dated Ashley Olsen.

Krispy Kreme hotness aside, Lance says that his experience with cancer definitely changed his approach on life.  "With a life-threatening illness, you win and you live on," he told Men's Vogue. "You lose and you die. After I gained that perspective, I hated the notion of losing."

Lindsay and Sam To Make It Official...ly Weird

According to Hollywood Backwash via the La Rag Mag (Come on, those are like the two most legit celeb news sources around), Lindsay Lohan will be closing the door on singlehood, and women, by the end of the year. 

Sam used her DJ slot at top LA hotel and night spot Chateau Marmont to announce the news, telling clubbers: “By the end of this year, my love will be Mrs Ronson.” -Hollywood Backwash

I'm guessing it will be wedded bliss until La Lohan remembers she likes a little sausage on her egg mcmuffin.

Kirsten Dunst Makes Me Die a Little Inside

Every once in a while an actress or actor emerges that you just want to punch in the face...hard.  For me, that person is Kirsten Dunst.  Her latest interview in Harper's Bazaar does nothing to quell this urge.  People.com reports:

Kirsten Dunst says she's "learned a lot" after checking into rehab earlier this year for depression and is now in a different place in her life.

"Everyone goes through a hard time in their life," Dunst says in the October issue of Harper's Bazaar. "They just don't have to do it in front of tons of people and with our media the way it is. I did, and I'm lucky that I had the resources and the money to take care of myself."

She adds: "Now, I'm great."

Though she hesitates to go into details about her stint at Cirque Lodge, a rehabilitation center in Utah, Dunst says prior to going to rehab she was "enormously co-dependent."

"I wasn't taking care of myself emotionally. I wasn't expressing my anger," she says. "I was making nice all the time."

She even got words of wisdom from an old pal – Tom Cruise. The actress keeps a plastic-framed copy of L. Ron Hubbard's Scientology Code of Honor in her home, which was recently given to her as a gift from her former Interview with the Vampire costar.

The 26-year old is not a Scientologist but appreciates the advice; something she can use as she develops her own projects, including a documentary called Why Tuesday? about the electoral process. She also stars in the upcoming comedy How to Lose Friends & Alienate People.

On the home front she's busy, too. The actress is selling her LA home and says she will be in her apartment in New York City, which she purchased in 2007, in a year. And her love life?

"Listen, I'm happy single or not single," she says. "Now I love me, so I'm okay."

Excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.  I'd like to replace that framed Scientology Code of Honor with a ball peen hammer and the number to a good dentist.

Jessica Simpson Flubs Again

First Ashlee Simpson gets busted lip synching on SNL, then Jessica forgets the lyrics to a Dolly Parton song during a live performance.  On Good Morning America today, Jess proves she hasn't learned a thing about performing.  I'm sure creepy dad-ager Joe gave her a real dressing-down for this one (groan):

During an appearance Tuesday morning on Good Morning America to promote her country album, Do You Know, the singer actually managed to pull off a rather decent performance of "Come On Over," the first single off the new disc.

Unfortunately, when it came time to belt out one of her older hits, "With You," the results were, um, well, er, why don't you simply check it out here and judge for yourself.

To be fair, Jess did find herself dealing with what seemed to be a bit of a glitch at the top of the song, prompting her to stop and start again, so she may have been slightly thrown off.

Other things that throw Jessica off?  Tying her shoes, pumping gas, breathing, walking, eating, reading, driving...you get the picture.

Lynne Spears Reveals Just How Bad She Sucks

Just when we thought the scales were tipped in favor of Dina Lohan being the crappiest mother on the face of the earth, Lynne Spears goes and pens a tell-all that reveals her kids would have been better off raised by monkeys...with rabies.  Per The Daily News, here are the "secrets" Mama Spears reveals about Britney, which are about as shocking as finding out that a bear does, indeed, doo-doo in the woods:

In a tell-all book, Spears' mother, Lynne, reveals her daughter surrendered her chastity to a high school football stud when she was just 14.

Mama Spears, 53, also dishes that the pop icon took a liking to booze when she was a 13-year-old Mouseketeer and began experimenting with drugs at 15.

By age 16, Britney's wild-child behavior stunned her family when she was caught with cocaine and marijuana on a private jet, Lynn Spears claims.

Lynne also reportedly went along with the scheme to convince Justin Timberlake that Britney was a virgin.  Hey Justin, if you believed that, I've got some gorgeous property off the Gaza Strip I'd like to show you.

The book, "Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World," is set for release Sept. 16, but The Sun of London published titillating highlights on Thursday.

Lynne Spears, 53, confesses her regret of losing control of Britney's career to handlers who promoted her as a sex object and put her in raunchy videos.

Mother and daughter are reportedly estranged and, while I'm no rocket scientist, I'm going to guess this book pretty much puts the final nail in the reconciliation coffin.

Amy W's 48 Bottles of Jack On the Wall, 48 Bottles of Jack

With recent talk about Amy Winehouse possibly having brain damage from a marathon pot-smoking session, she's found help in the arms of another man...Jack Daniels.  Cuz who doesn't love a little whiskey to wash down your heroin!?  And in true Winehouse style, she didn't just request a couple of bottles for her latest show, but rather 48!  Let's get this party started! 

The London Sun reports:

Recovering junkie Amy stunned Bestival organisers with her demand for two crates of the 40 per cent spirit.

The hard-living Back to Black singer, 24, has a history of axing gigs at the last minute, and faces legal action after pulling out of a Paris concert just hours before she was due to headline last Friday.

Now organisers of the three-day Bestival event on the Isle of Wight fear she will either back out of her show tomorrow night — or turn up in no fit state to perform.

A Bestival source said last night: “It’s common for artists to make requests for food and beverages before they arrive."

Sure, sure, but it's probably not typical for someone to order enough booze to give an entire country a buzz.

Britney Spears To Haunt the VMA's After All

After talk that Britney Spears would spare us another terrifying performance, it turns out the Has-Been Express will, indeed, be making a scheduled stop at this year's VMA's.  Yahoo! News reports:

Despite her train-wreck performance at the MTV Video Music Awards last year, the network confirms Spears will kick off the show once again.

But it won't be a performance. Instead, MTV Networks Music Group President Van Toffler said Wednesday, it'll be something "fun and unexpected" on Sunday night's show.

After her last debacle during which she shook her jiggly bits to her "song" "Gimme More," "fun and unexpected" could mean that she shows up looking less bloated than Vince Vaughn.

Britney weighed in on her appearance:

"MTV has long played an important role in my career. How can I not be there to kick off their 25th VMAs? I'm excited to open the entire show, to say hi to my fans and to be nominated," Spears said in a statement.

It's all about low expectations.  Years ago, she set tongues wagging with that infamous kiss with Madonna.  This year, we're just hoping she wears underpants.

Sir Elton John Still Likes His Blow

The Celebrity Substance Abuse Olympics got underway a couple evenings ago when the cantankerous Sir Elton John challenged the equally cantankerous Lily Allen to a cocaine snort-off.  The incident occurred when the two cranky Brits hosted the GQ Men of the Year Awards, and Lily decided to shoot champagne like a sailor on leave.  Reportedly, she kept a bottle behind the table and refilled her glass several times until she shtarted to shound like dish. The Daily Mail had the details:

When Miss Allen came to announce '...and now the most important part of the night', Elton chipped in 'What? Are you going to have another drink?'

She fired back: 'F*** off Elton. I am 40 years younger than you and have my whole life ahead of me!'

The shocked audience fell silent.

A clearly rattled Elton replied 'I could still snort you under the table'. To which she replied: 'F*** off. I don't know what you are talking about.'

When you make Amy Winehouse look classy, it's time to hang up your diamond studded glasses.

LiLo Takes Father Feud To Her Blog: Forgets Spellcheck

I thought I recalled some creepy Jessica/Joe Simpson type father-daughter bonding between Lindsay Lohan and father Michael a while back but, according to E! Online, the battle is on once again.  And this time it's about her very, very, very, very close friend Samantha Ronson:

Earlier this week, he told us: Sam’s “using my daughter. People never even knew who Samantha Ronson was until she met Lindsay. She was just some L.A. DJ.”

Not cool, Mike, according to Linds' blog: “He has become a public embaressment (sic) and a bully- To my family, my co-workers, my friends, and a girl that means the world to me (its obvious who that is).” His motivations are pretty obvi to her. It's all because of “an ADDICTION THAT HE HAS- FAME.”

What's "obvi" to me is the entire Lohan clan could benefit from therapy...the electric shock kind.

Matthew McConaughey Is the Sane One In His Family

The ganga-smoking, naked bongo-playing, shirt-shunning apple doesn't fall far from the Crazy McConaughey Tree.  First, brother Rooster (Yes, Rooster) surfaced out of nowhere to star in his own reality show, "Black Gold," about his oil pipe company Chapter 11.  A quick aside, Rooster dared to procreate and named his heir Miller Lyte.  See previous comment about Crazy McConaughey Tree.

Now, Matthew's mother, Kay, has written a book called "I Amaze Myself."  You can't make this shite up people!  One of the juiciest tidbits is that Matthew's father died while doing the deed.  Us Magazine gives the sordid details:

“On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love,” Kay, 77, says exclusively in the latest issue of Us Weekly. “But one day, all of a sudden, it just happened.

"I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him. Just nothing," she says. "But it was just the best way to go!”

And when her man couldn’t be revived, she made sure he was taken from the house in the buff.

“I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey — and his gift,” she says.

The mother — who tells Us, “I would love to be on Oprah!” — also says that her most famous son, 38, was a happy accident.

It was just after she’d married Matthew’s dad for the third time.

“I was deciding, ‘Do I want to have another baby? Do I want to have an affair? Or go back to school?’” she says. “That’s when Matthew was conceived. We had tried for 16 years and no baby. So Matthew was a big surprise!”

I only have one question:  If the McConaughey's say goodbye with sex, how do they say hello?  Shudder.

Jacko Rides This Year's VMA Crazy Train

Those behind the planning of this year's VMA's are upping the crazy stakes from Britney Spears to Michael Jackson.  I'll see you one has-been pop star without real hair and raise you one without a nose! 

MTV reports via TMZ:

Although Britney shot promos for the VMAs, we're told the real gold is Michael Jackson. Sources close to the awards tell us MTV honchos have been working OT to get Jacko to reappear at the awards.

We're told a deal is as good as sealed to have MJ present an award with sister Janet.

He was hesitant at first but MTV threw in some plastic surgery and a hotel suite complete with alcohol and minors.  Oh snap!

Paula Abdul Strings Some Words Together On the 4th AI Judge

Apparently, when the controversial decision was made to add a fourth "Idol" judge, no one called Paula Abdul to make sure she was completely on board.  Well, either that or they didn't have anyone who spoke "Paula-nese." 

Us Magazine reports that the formerly solo female judge is excited but added, "I am concerned about the audience and acceptance. Time will tell. We'll see."  In an interview with Phoenix's 104.7 KISS morning radio program, Paula opened up about her hesitation:

"They always tried for a fourth judge because it followed the format of the original show, Pop Idol," Abdul said. "We haven't had much luck with that working, but we're gonna give it another try."

Asked if she, Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell have sat down with DioGuardi to test their chemistry, Abdul replied, "Nope," and laughed.

What happens if she and Jackson vote one way, but DioGuardi feels differently?

"That's gonna be weird if it's a split decision," Abdul said. "I'm sure Simon will get to make the final [call]."

"It takes the fun out of all the hard work I do to push those kids through," she added.

There's no word on whether the deejays are still laughing after Paula referred to herself and "hard work" in the same sentence.

American Idol Adds Fourth Judge (If You Count Paula Abdul)

Despite absolute domination in the ratings for seven seasons with judges Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell, and Randy Jackson, "American Idol" has decided to shake things up (and not just Paula's martini) by adding a fourth judge to the mix--successful singer-songwriter Kara DioGuardi.  E! Online reports:

The Grammy nominee's name may not be familiar to Idol viewers, but her sound should be. DioGuardi has strong ties to the behind-the-scenes world of Idol, writing tracks for David Cook, David Archuleta, Carrie Underwood, Clay Aiken, Bo Bice, Katharine McPhee and Taylor Hicks.

She has also more than earned her credentials outside the Idol universe, penning hits for Britney Spears, Jonas Brothers, Gwen Stefani, Christina Aguilera, Celine Dion, Faith Hill, Paris Hilton, Avril Lavigne, Lindsay Lohan, Leona Lewis, Natasha Bedingfield, Santana, Hilary Duff, Simpsons Jessica and Ashlee and just about any other artist who's cracked Billboard's Top 10 in recent years.

"Idol" has made some very successful changes before (Anyone remember Brian Dunkleman?), and they even tried to add New York DJ Angie Martinez as a fourth judge during season two, but she apparently pulled out after only a few days when she realized she didn't want to crush anyone's dreams.  Interestingly enough, Simon considers that a perk. 

In an interview on the americanidol.com homepage, DioGuardi refers to herself as "feisty" and "opinionated."  Paula Abdul breathed a sigh of relief when she realized she retains her role as the over-medicated, platitude-dispensing, nonsensical windbag.  

Justin Timberlake Donates to Project "Britney Revival"

Justin Timberlake must be feeling altruistic these days, as Page Six is reporting that the long-awaited duet between he and ex Britney Spears will, indeed, happen.  This despite the fact that she didn't show up the last time a collaboration was attempted with Justin and the highly sought after producer Timbaland.  Talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth.  Much like her diet, though, it seems as though Britney has finally come to her senses.  Shaving your head, binging on junk food, and neglecting your children is so yesterday. 

Heidi Montag Thinks We're All Stupid

In the funniest and most unbelievable news since Bill Clinton famously claimed he did not have sex with that woman, Heidi Montag of "The Hills" fame (Insert belly laugh here.) says she is still a virgin.  Hollyscoop reports the hilarious claim that was made during an interview with Ryan Seacrest:

Speidi talked about how Heidi is "still a virgin" and how religious she is, insisting that her "next album is going to be a Christian one."

"We don't sin over here," said Spencer. Who added that they place "pillows in between" them at night so they're not tempted to have sex.

Funny thing is our loyal Hollyscoop readers pointed out that Heidi had a pregnancy scare in the second season of The Hills. In the episode Heidi tells Spencer, "I took a pregnancy test," but assured him that it turned out negative. Last we checked, if you're a virgin, you wouldn't need to take a pregnancy test. Sources tell Hollyscoop that "It's just another PR stunt for them to gain more press for her album."

Let's see...we seem to recall a PR stunt about being a virgin made by a dumb blonde who's had plastic surgery, kissed Madonna, cut off all her hair, eaten four billion bags of cheetohs, logged over 12 billion frappucinos, shunned wearing grunders, and has lost her kids.  Yeah, now that's a good idea.

For the record, I do believe the part about putting pillows between Spencer and herself.  That's just good common sense.

Janet Jackson Wants In Your Drawers

With celebs dipping their greedy hands, toes, and unmentionables in every business under the sun these days, it's no big surprise that Janet Jackson is the latest to expand her empire outside the music industry.  What's funny is the industry she's choosing to stump for:  a lingerie line called Pleasure Principle after her hit of the same name. 

E Online has the scoop:

Jackson's 14-design line of underpinnings, crafted mainly from satin and lace and heavy on feminine details, will be available in department stores and mass retailers this fall, with each piece priced at under $40.

"It makes you feel incredible and offers variety as diverse as the women who will wear it," Jackson said of the line, named after her 1987 hit.

Diversity must be code for the 87 sizes Jackson has herself worn in the last ten years.  Apparently, the singer also thinks the statute of limitations has run out on the "Nipplegate" incident.  Having a vivid memory of it myself, I'll file this information with Dina Lohan's Guide to Parenting, Roseanne Barr's blog, and Courtney Love's Tips on Staying Sober.

Chris Kattan and Wife Split...Yes, It's a Slow News Day

In a blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment (Do we really care?), "Saturday Night Live" alum Chris Kattan and his wife, model Sunshine Tutt, made Pamela Anderson look like the vision of monogamy by calling it quits after only eight weeks of wedded bli...well, marriage.  I've had cases of indigestion that lasted longer than that.

"Separated for the moment. No plans for divorce at this time," his rep tells Usmagazine.com.

There's no word on the cause for separation, but we're guessing she woke up and said, "Holy sh-t, I really married Chris Kattan." 

John Mayer Dishes On His Break-up...BLAH BLAH BLAH

The only other person who can rant as annoyingly as Roseanne Barr is John Mayer, and, not surprisingly, he let it rip for the paparazzi this weekend on how they got the May-niston break-up all wrong. 

Us Magazine reports that John had this to say:

"If you guys are going to run stuff and run every lie under the sun, have somebody stand up for somebody," the singer challenged. "Have me as a man who ended a relationship stand here and write some truth. Have me stand up for somebody and write that Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I've ever met.

"She's one of the most lovely people I've ever met in my life and I'm going through something that's a very personal thing and you have to give that up," he said. "You have to give everything up because you can't have it all and it sucks."

He went on to call the break-up "the most normal thing in the world – There's no lying, there's no cheating. There's no nothing."

Maybe it's just me but I get the feeling that John Mayer runs about as deep as Paris Hilton.  Say what you need to say, John.  Say what you need to say.

Found: Donald Trump's Heart

Donald Trump has done something more shocking than the bizarre comb-over of his two-toned hair and his equally bizarre fight with Rosie O'Donnell--he's actually helped another human being!  GASP!  What was his worthy cause, you ask?  The earthquake victims in Myanmar?  Those suffering through the Russia/Georgia conflict?  Those affected by the fires in California?  No, he saved Ed McMahon's home!  The Donald has agreed to buy Ed's home for an as yet undisclosed number.  The Los Angeles Times reports:

"I don't know the man, but I grew up watching him on TV," Trump said in an exclusive interview with The Times.

McMahon, 85, was facing foreclosure within two weeks on his Beverly Hills home of 18 years. The aging television icon, who was Johnny Carson's sidekick for three decades, defaulted on $4.8 million in mortgage loans with Countrywide Financial Corp. He said in interviews that he was unable to work because of a neck injury that occurred about 18 months ago.

Trump said he stepped in because helping McMahon "would be an honor." His plan is to buy the home from the lender and lease it back to McMahon.

Nobel Peace Prize material?  You decide! 

Jennifer Aniston's Three Strike Laws

While the consensus yesterday seemed to be that John Mayer was the one who cut ties with Jennifer Aniston, the Chicago Sun Times gossip reporter has sources who say this isn't so.  Apparently, Jen found out about an alleged daliance with a cocktail waitress and a concert promoter's assistant, and the final straw came when the singer became a living cliche by sleeping with a groupie (So you're saying there's a chance!!??).

The article also reports:

A longtime major Hollywood studio exec -- and good Aniston buddy -- adds this: "Above everything else, Jennifer is looking for stability and loyalty in a relationship. She still is hurting from losing Brad [Pitt] to Angelina [Jolie] -- even after all this time."

Ahhhh yes, stability--exactly what comes to mind when I think of model Paul Sculfor, Vince Vaughn, and John Mayer.  Who's next?  George Clooney?

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer "Cool Off"

With Jennifer Aniston allegedly disclosing her strong desire for kids to John Mayer, the news that their relationship might have hit the skids is about as surprising as Barack Obama becoming our next President.  Next to "I live with my mother" and "I used to be a man," this is probably the kind of news that the 30-year-old singer didn't exactly want to hear. 

Us Magazine offers the scoop:

"It is really a cooling-off, not this big, dramatic breakup," a mutual pal tells Us Weekly in its latest issue, on newsstands now.

"These are mature people who talk about things maturely," the pal says. "It's just slowed down."

There's no word on whether photos of him hot tubbing in Cabo with another woman caused him to yell to Jen, "We were on a break!"

John Mayer Dons Gay Nautical Attire: Ups Douchebag Stakes

After watching Jason Mesnick bawl his way through this last season of The Bachelor, I didn't think I'd ever find a dude with a bigger man-gina than that guy, but John Mayer just cut off his own balls and tossed them into the ring.  I read that he was hosting his own cruise on what's known as "The Mayercraft Carrier" in Mexico, and I just knew that His Douchiness would do something outrageous--and by outrageous, I mean completely lame.  Then I saw the photos on The Superficial, and it struck me--the guy's in the midst of a major identity crisis.  And by identity crisis, I mean he's not sure where he wants his snake to land. 

John, dressing up like a long lost member of The Village People isn't cool!  Let's just say, if this was Love Boat, I wouldn't be hoping for a seat at The Captain's table.

Lindsay Lohan Makes Me Throw Up in my Mouth

Celebuzz.com posted the layout in Nylon Magazine featuring Lindsay Lohan, and the general gist of the article is that she's starting to wig about her lack of employment:

"It's scary when you realize, 'Oh my God, I'm not working. And have a house to pay for now,'" she says.

Lindsay indicates that she's been auditioning, and cites the upcoming Tim Burton-directed Alice in Wonderland as a film for which she tried out.

"That didn't work out," she says. "It is what it is. You're not right for the part, and that's it. I can take it, I'm a big girl."

Yeah, Linds, nothing screams "Hire me!" like a ciggie, grandma panties, and legs that look a bit like two twinkies that have been left out in the rain.  Next!